September 05, 2002

The brain keeps talking

my brains so overactive

          hey, talk to me

and i do
so hard to break my compliant personality

          look at yourself,
          what have you done?
          when i left you, you were so beautiful.
          now look at you.

i look
and i don't see what it does
all the broken pieces, the words behind my eyes. how does it know what i am

          i know that you always looked lovely in the rain

i was only peaceful in the midst of a storm
with everything around me manic, anyone would be next to that.

          you use to dream about being more,
          remember when you wanted to be a gold fish.
          that was happy

i wished i had gills, instead of pink kidney shaped lungs
i wanted to hold my breath forever.
i was ready to give back the world i had for a new one
that's not happy

          were you ever happy?

lots, i guess. when i pretended to fly, or when we roller-skated in the house.
the day i got my teddy bear Howard, i still use him to fall asleep.
sometimes it's just easier to remember the bad

          why?

it stays with you longer,
the pain makes a place in your heart where the happiness was,
it's empty when it goes. emptiness is very lonely.

          why don't you like yourself?

i'm tired of not being beautiful, or talented.
i try everyday to find something about me that's different and i still haven't yet.
i'm tired of being plain
sometimes i just get tired of being me

          i think your something

that's only because you're my brain.

before - after