January 30, 2005

...i wish i had a question,

"...i wish i had a question,
for every answer swimming in my skull..." -the hair dressing fairy

.....i wish i had answers for all the questions i have in mine. my mind sometimes works against me....it rages so loud and feels like it's going to explode. i can't stop it. it feels like the movies where they speed everything up, but the main character...that's me...sitting there like your hands...trying to get my brain to work. but it never does.

i've got to get to a point where all of my lives work together at the same time. romantic, emotional, creative....they never line up...never seem in sync. i hate having the feeling that i have to fight for everything. if i don't have to fight for it, it doesn't seem worth having.

i've gotten two fortune cookies that both seems to perfect for me to be true. the first, posted in myspace, 'he who loves you will follow you' caused a stir between the two figures in my life. later causing the separation of one...and possible connection of another. the second fortune will be posted later this evening, 'you will go through many changes before settling down happily.' every 3-4 years my life turns upside down...4 years this Feb 17th...it's time to turn some things out.

i thrive on change...it's what keeps me young, and builds me up. i've change so much in the last 3 years that my family complains that they like the old me better. my family does not know that the old me was not me at all. it was me dying to break free. the black and tattoos scare them...it was always under the surface...just needed to be scratched to the top. i once told my sister, "you don't see who i really am." she said, "what don't i see?" i didn't see the point it telling her...she only sees things that are pink and pretty. black is not her color.

i have fear in my life for the first time in 6 years. i always try to keep it close to me so i never forget that i'm alive. i never want to grow old and die. death scares me....more then anything else i do not want to get old, die alone, or be possessed. we are all vain on some level and i need to be young...beautiful and free like as a bird.

before - after