August 01, 2002

All my sharp & hidden places

this wall is up inside me
once again i stand and face which side to give myself into.
caving in to ease the pressure, breaking free to find my grace.
i’m the black and white junkie who cant get enough of harming myself
i bleed when i'm lonely, dwell in it every night
so strung out and shacking, but still i cant feed
untouched and over shadowed by the pain they can’t see.

but it’s the safest place that i can go
it’s the only place i can be me.
i gave it life
made it possible to believe,
that inch by inch, one day i might be set free.
i've protected it from so many things, allowing it time to develop...to be
but it’s starting to take over me
started to feed
controlling my thoughts that exist in my mind
it worries me, but i'm never scared
i don’t feel safe but it’s not my safety i need to preserve.
it’s me
i would give it everything, if it gave me back me.

it rings in my head, the reasons to come
take of its essence, to cut one last time
be stronger my child you will make it through
even once you clear your mind it all looks askew.

to much reality been pushing my pins
till i’m face down exhausted but i continue to binge
as it taunts me and shows me my freedom in the palm of its hand,
crying, and shaking to tired to fight
i give to the darkness, as it baths me in light
feeling such power over all of this shit
i’m the timeless sweet beauty i knew i could be
i'm pure and i'm lovely

...i’m feeling such peace.

but the time is still running and it got me again
as i see for my self how destructive i've been.
stop crying you did all of this to yourself
you're still playing this game with your mind.
of causing pain to stop the pain
you gave into playing this loosing game

if i’m stronger, the next time
to keep it away
i won’t look it fears eyes
and wish for the day,
that ill get through without hurting me so much.
then i'd feel peaceful, maybe then i could fly
in the morning my mind would be like everyone else
quiet,
and happy,
strong in my health.

before - after